


Adventures of a Forgetful Werewolf

by swiftonthedownside



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 14:56:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swiftonthedownside/pseuds/swiftonthedownside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The link you will require will be at the end.</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

“Ouch!”

“Fuck, Remus, you’re too close to me.”

“Well, I’m sorry… You’re feet are gigantic!”

Remus stumbled a little, clutching the invisibility cloak for support. Sirius sucked in a breath, catching his arm to steady him. “You’re gonna tear it! James won’t let us use it again if it’s damaged!”

“Sorry!” Remus adjusted his robes. He was real done with Sirius’s sass. “I didn’t mean to trip…”

Sirius sighed. “Let’s just get where we’re going…we’re getting too big to go under the cloak together.”

Remus frowned. “Well…we are sixteen.”

“Yeah…”

They continued mostly quietly, slipping down a secret passage. Sirius shivered.

“It’s freezing.”

“It’s Christmas.”

“Still…” Sirius drew a little closer to Remus. “It’s _cold_.”

Remus sighed. “McGonagall said that there are some pipes leaking…”

“You and McGoogles are really close, aren’t you?”

“Well, I’m a Prefect.”

“So?”

Remus sighed, exasperated already. “Shut the fuck up. The point is; some of the steps might be slippery.”

Sirius scoffed, and Remus sighed. All of the Marauders were in bad moods right now. James was just being his generally butt-hurt-about-Lily self, but Sirius was in a hissy mood about his family, and it was only three days away from the full moon, and Peter was complaining about homework. Finally, they had all gotten way on each other’s nerves, and split into three groups. James, Peter, and the Remus/Sirius.

However, Remus and Sirius were really starting to piss each other off. Remus was beginning to think he should just leave Sirius and go to the hospital wing, where he knew Madame Pomfrey would make him a cup of tea and let him cry stupid, frustrated tears, no matter how late. However, he decided to stick with Sirius because he didn’t feel like walking around the school alone at night was safe. So he sucked it up. “Where are we even going?”

Sirius sighed. “I don’t know!”

“Okay! Geez!”

“Am I supposed to now everything?”

“I said okay!”

“You certainly didn’t sound like you wanted to say okay!”

Remus stopped, turning on Sirius and causing the invisibility cloak to twist and slip mostly off of him. “Sirius Black! I do _not_ need your sass!”

Sirius looked at Remus for a moment. “Remus, what-“

“Shut up! Ugh!” He crossed his arms, fuming. “Why won’t you try to cooperate? I went off with you because I thought you would try to work with me! Like, maybe we could hang out without them and cool off!” He shook his head. “But I am _so_ done.”

Sirius glowered. “I _am_ trying. You’ll have to be patient with me.”

“I have just as much right to be out of patience as you, Sirius!”

“I have just as much right to sass as you do to be out of patience!”

Remus let out a frustrated stream of nonsense noises, throwing up his hands and turning away, towards some stairs. “Sirius, I just…! I’m going.”

“What? Where?”

“Somewhere!”

Remus started up the stairs, and Sirius crumpled up the cloak, going after him. “Remus, I… Remus! Look-“

Remus didn’t hear the end of the sentence, because his foot slipped on a step that was covered with water that had frozen over. His ankle twisted to the side, and his other leg gave out. He gave a yell as he plummeted towards a stair a few steps down, it growing steadily closer to his face. He felt his forehead come in contact with the stair, and everything went blank.

~

Who the fuck was this? Who the fuck was that?

Who the fuck was _he_?

The extremely attractive one, with the dark hair and the grey eyes. The worried one. The one by his bed. The one with the lean, curved body and long, thin limbs, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand and letting the other play with the buttons on his shirt. He was talking to someone, but he didn’t think about that, just looking at the boy in wonderment. Who was he? Why was he here with him?

Hold the phone. Who was _he_?

He fidgeted, but they didn’t seem to notice. He decided to give this mystery boy a name. How about…

Padfoot?

Padfoot was a somewhat familiar word…something about fluffy and sweet if just a little big. Black and grey. He decided he liked Padfoot. Whatever it was and whoever he was.

He shifted a little more, and Padfoot turned to him swiftly, eyes flashing. “Remus?”

Who was Remus? He smiled at Padfoot, then winced, gasping. Ow. Owwie. That hurt. He raised a hand to feel the bandages at his head, frowning at Padfoot. He wanted this boy closer. He grimaced again, closing his eyes and turning his head to the side, making an involuntary whining noise. “Owwww…”

It was a moment and a half later that he heard movement beside him, and felt a hand taking his. “Remus, are you alright?”

Who was Remus? He opened his eyes, looking over at his very sexy and favorite (only) acquaintance, Padfoot. He tried to smile.

“Hello. You’re lovely. Who are you?”

Padfoot frowned. “Uh…”

“I gave you the name Padfoot,” Remus said, grimacing again. “But perhaps knowing your real name would be nice.”

Padfoot’s face was slowly falling into horror, and he looked over. “M-Madame Pomfrey…”

A woman bustled over, but he was more interested in Padfoot. “Also, you are extremely attractive.”

Padfoot was shaking his head. “Remus…Remus, what are you…?”

The woman turned his head, and he winced. Why wouldn’t she let him look at Padfoot? He was beautiful. A wonder to look upon. She was just a woman in her thirties. Not too bad on the eyes but near pain compared to Padfoot. 

“It might be amnesia,” the woman said, moving away and pulling out what seemed to be a twig. He looked back at Padfoot, smiling.

“Can I have a name?” he asked again. He could tell he was vaguely delirious, but didn’t care. He just continued to smile at Padfoot.

Padfoot went pale. “Remus, you’re Remus Lupin.”

“Silly little sexy boy. I wanted _your_ name.”

Padfoot blushed vibrantly. “Um…”

The woman was back. He, Remus or whatever, turned to her reluctantly. She shined something into his eyes, then muttered something, swishing her wand. He ignored it all.

“Well,” he sighed. “I don’t seem to know anything. I mean. My head hurts. And Pads here says my name is Remus. And I think I am attracted to Padfoot. Which is okay, I think. Am I male or female?”

Padfoot was in what seemed to be shock, staring at Remus. “You’re a boy!”

“Oh, okay. Because you, you super-fine piece of ass, are _def_ male.”

Padfoot sat down with a sigh. “Keep him talking,” the woman demanded.

Padfoot looked at her incredulously. “About what?”

“Whatever he wants to talk about.”

Padfoot looked at Remus. “Okay. Um, how are you feeling, Remus.”

“I feel…like someone is stabbing me in the head with a dull spoon. Only the spoon somehow made it through to my brain, and is now swerving and scooping and really just muddling everything up. I feel like this woman knows my body well, which might just be awkward. I also feel like there’s some kind of animal nipping at my irritation nerve, telling me to fly off the handle about every little thing. And like something in the sky is tugging on my bones, and my muscles, and my very veins and blood cells. It hurts.” He sounded like he only now realized this pain, and he fidgeted a bit. “Ouch. It’s like…it aches. But it aches like it’s been aching this way for years. Especially my…right? Right leg. Ow.”

He bent the mentioned limb up towards him. He rubbed it up and down in a failing attempt to soothe the pain.

Padfoot cleared his throat. “Where does it hurt? Where in your leg?”

Remus ran his hand along his leg, trying to pinpoint the pain. However, he soon realized that he was failing because the pain kept moving. And sometimes it would creep slowly from one part to the next, but then other times it would jump almost violently around his leg. He shivered.

“Everywhere,” he answered Padfoot. “It…it moves. Constantly.” It was the same in his leg as it was in the rest of his body. It was like something past the sky was tugging on him, like it was loosening him up so it could rip him apart. He winced, looking over at Padfoot. “Deduction tells me you’re my friend,” he said carefully. “So why do I feel like my limbs are about to be torn and ripped and rearranged and that there will be pain to follow?”

Padfoot looked heartbroken. He shifted a bit closer to Remus.

“Remie, buddy…you’re a werewolf.”

Remus frowned. “Werewolf. That sounds familiar…what is it?”

Padfoot fidgeted. “It’s, um…like, on the full moon of every month you transform into a wolf-beast. And…well, you look for, like, people to attack, but when you don’t find any people you just get angry. And then you look for animals to maybe hang out with. And…when you don’t find any of those, you…you turn on yourself. You start to tear yourself apart. Look.”

Padfoot reached over hesitantly, and started to unbutton the buttons Remus didn’t know were on the shirt he wasn’t aware that he was wearing. He enjoyed the feeling of skin on skin every time Padfoot’s hands brushed his skin a little, but had decided to hold back his comments for the time being. He watched in wonder as the shirt slowly opened to reveal pale skin with even paler lines crisscrossing along it. The woman tutted disapprovingly, seeing as how she was trying to work on Remus, but allowed Padfoot to unbutton Remus’s shirt all the way, and trace three long scars from Remus’s right hip up to his left shoulder. He pulled his hand away, looking at Remus sadly.

“The original scar,” he said quietly. Remus looked at him, then down at himself. He traced the scars with shaking fingers, wondering how he could simply _not_ remember these kinds of things happening to him. He swallowed, buttoning the shirt again. It made him feel weird, his scars exposed to the whole of the world. Scars that they probably knew better than he did.

He looked over at Padfoot. “I…I don’t know what to think.”

Padfoot looked slightly pained, shuffling. “Remus, the full moon is three – no, two days away, now.”

And that was when he broke down. He had no idea what was happening or who he was or even where he was. He started shaking, putting a hand over his mouth and attempting to hold back tears. The woman tutted sympathetically, putting a soothing arm around his shoulders, and Padfoot sort of fidgeted about before taking one of Remus’s hands, kneeling beside his bed to whisper soothing nonsense words to him. It didn’t take long for him to pull himself back together, and he shrugged away the woman’s arm, pulling his hand from Padfoot’s. He took a few deep breaths.

“When is it?” he asked.

“Around one in the morning,” Padfoot replied. “A week before Christmas holidays. It’s a Tuesday.”

“Where am I?”

“Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,” the woman said, writing something down with a quill.

“Who am I?”

“Remus John Lupin.” Padfoot was talking now, sitting on the edge of Remus’s bed. “Part of a group of four students called the Marauders. I am included in that group, and so are James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. We’re the best of friends.” He smiled sadly. “You’re a super genius and you always seem to do what’s right. You’re a Prefect, and a werewolf, and a bookworm, a son, a Gryffindor, a friend…” He took a couple of deep breaths. “Your parents used to visit you back when you were littler during the full moon. You love chocolate, you’re afraid of snakes and sometimes the dark and particularly both at once. You’re really self-conscious of your scars and even I have only seen glimpses here and there for a few seconds.”

Remus nodded. “How old am I?”

“You’ll be sixteen in March.”

“Oh. How old are you guys? All my friends or whatever.”

“I’m sixteen, James and Peter are still fifteen.”

“Oh. So. I’m a witch or a wizard or whatever, and a werewolf, and…and…” He closed his eyes, trying to ward off a headache. “And tired…”

“Go on to sleep, dear,” the woman said, pushing him back against the pillows. “Don’t worry about classes. We’ll Floo your parents in the morning, okay? You just sleep.”

Remus sighed, settling against the pillows with Padfoot still by his side. He was just dozing off when he realized something.

He hadn’t gotten Padfoot’s name.

~

“And so here’s the dorm.”

Remus looked around. It didn’t seem at all familiar. He looked at each of the four beds, contemplating. Madame Pomfrey said it would be best if he tried to figure things out for himself based on how he felt or what he thought his personality to be. So, Remus walked over to the nearest bed, looking down at it.

“I don’t think this one is mine,” he said, backing away.

Padfoot, from the doorway, peered at it. “Why?”

“It’s got socks in it. They smell _terrible_. I would never let my socks get that dirty and nasty.”

Padfoot laughed. “Ah, that’s brilliant. That’s James’s bed. He’s on the Quidditch team, so of course everything about him smells bad.”

“Quidditch?”

“Um…well, you’ll figure out more about that later on.”

“Oh.” He continued on to the next bed around, moving some of the curtains out of the way. “Ewww! This _can’t_ be my bed.”

Now Padfoot looked indignant. “And why the bloody hell not?”

“It’s got crumbs!”

Padfoot smiled reluctantly. “It’s not your bed. That one’s mine.”

“Padfoot! You’ve got to clean up now and then!”

Padfoot laughed a bit. It was an entire day later, now just one day before the full moon. Remus had recovered enough to hobble up to the dorms and try to jumpstart his memories. It seemed like the entire school had been made aware of his amnesia, because there were people coming up to him every which way demanding to know if he remembered them. Padfoot had to keep people away, threatening to hex their nether regions terribly, and Remus felt compelled to tell him off for it, but he hadn’t had much luck. Finally, a redheaded girl had marched up and literally just started to shove people away who were trying to talk to Remus, threatening with more heart to turn their arms into tree limbs or give them pimples that would hurt like blisters. When they had reached the relative safety of the common room, she had kindly introduced herself as Lily Evans, one of Remus’s close friends and colleagues, and shook his hand, wishing him luck on the whole recovering his memory thing. Remus had decided this girl must be one of his best friends, and thanked her fervently, telling her he’d try very hard to remember her as soon as possible. Padfoot had looked rather put out. He’d told Lily to shove off, to which Lily responded with a sneer and a ‘Help him, Black’ before marching up a set of stairs that apparently led to the girl’s dormitories.

Now Remus was in his own dorm, trying to find his own things. He moved on to the next bed. It wasn’t as bad. The covers were nearly entirely missing and there were some clothes on the bed, but other than that it wasn’t too bad. However, he still didn’t think it was his.

Padfoot affirmed this. “That’s Peter’s bed. Nice bloke, that Peter Pettigrew.”

Remus then moved to the last bed, which had to be his. Not only because it was the last bed and all the others belonged to his friends, but because it just _had_ to be his. Neatly made with a book he was probably in the process of reading resting on the pillow. Quills neatly lined up on his nightstand along with his blank rolls of parchment. The area also seemed cleaner around there than the rest of the room. Remus smiled, looking over at Padfoot.

“This is my bed.”

Padfoot smiled, nodding. He wandered over towards Remus. “Yep. You, Mr. Clean and Studious. How do you do it? Why?” He picked up the book. “ _Romeo and Juliet_?” He frowned. “Wait…this wasn’t here before…”

Remus took the book from him, and opened it. Out of it fell an envelope, but he was able to read the inside of the cover.

“’Property of Lily Evans,’” he said with a smile. Oh, yes. She was definitely his best friend. “She probably put it here when she found out, before I came up…” He picked up the envelope, handing the book to Padfoot and sitting on his bed. He opened it carefully, pulling out a letter. He looked at Padfoot.

“Well, c’mon then, out loud,” Padfoot encouraged. Remus looked at the paper.

“‘Dear Remus,

“‘It has been reported to me that you fell down some stairs and ended up with a nasty bit of amnesia. Ow. Get better, yeah? Anyways, that prat Black is probably with you. Give him a good walloping for me. It’s basically his fault you fell.

“‘Okay, so it’s not fully his fault. You were all being terribly pissy. You and Black went off together, not surprising, but I guess he finally pissed you off and you stormed away. Still, he was there for you. I have to hand it to him.

“‘Anyways, on to the point. I’ve been lending you Muggle fiction books for quite some time. You’ve read through more than half of my library. However, it has occurred to me that you can no longer remember any of that. So, I’ve decided to re-loan you my books one at a time in the hopes that it will jumpstart your memory. This is the first one you borrowed – _Romeo and Juliet_ , by William Shakespeare. A right romance, this one. I wouldn’t let Black catch you reading it. He would poke fun.

“‘And, for a bit of background information on you, you are without a doubt the most respectable of your group. You turn in your work on time, and don’t wander the castle at night (for the most part), and are nice to everyone. Also, you’ve been asking for more romance, nearly demanding it, for the past year. I think you have a crush on someone but I can’t tell you who. Sorry.

“‘All due respect to you, and the best of wishes with your memory.

“‘Love, Lily Evans.’”

Remus looked up at Padfoot, blushing a little. They were both thinking of the same thing. Remus cleared his throat.

“Look, um, in the hospital wing…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I, er, I wasn’t thinking straight. When I said – I mean, what I said about you –“

“Don’t worry, Remus,” Padfoot replied quickly. “It’s fine. I mean…who can blame you?” He smiled cockily, and Remus tried to smile back. Truth be told, he’d meant everything he’d said. Sirius was hella attractive, there was no denying it. He just hadn’t meant to say it out loud.

He frowned, looking at the paper. “Lily…she called you ‘Black’…I still don’t have your name.” He looked up at Padfoot, his expression questioning.

Padfoot looked at him for a moment, then smiled, holding out his hand. “Sirius Black. Pleasure to meet you.”


	2. Chapter Two

Padfoot stuck.

Even when Remus attempted to call Sirius by his normal name, ‘Padfoot’ seemed to slip out without him noticing the entire day long. James had thought it hilarious, and Peter had said it fitted Sirius perfectly.

James and Peter were certainly interesting blokes. It was easy to tell which was which – James was obviously built for this game called ‘Quidditch’ and Peter was obviously not. James was a tall boy with glasses and ruffly dark hair, his arms long and thick with muscles though the rest of him was pretty much just long and gangly. He seemed to be rather a lot like Sirius. They embraced and interacted like brothers, and James treated Remus almost exactly the same as Sirius did, introducing himself quickly and then going on to explain every detail of Lily Evans he possibly could. Remus felt like James was trying to prove something.

Peter was more of the quiet type. He shook Remus’s hand, almost seeming awkward about it, then asked if he remembered that one night that the two of them had charmed Rebecca Flynn’s skirt to an armchair in the Common Room. Remus replied of course not he didn’t remember anything. Peter blushed and said he’d guessed as much.

Remus had met that lot around lunch, and was just heading back up to the common room with Sirius when a professor by the name of McGonagall walked up and told him his parents were waiting for him in the Headmaster’s office. Remus was so confused by everything she’d just said that he asked Sirius to explain it to him.

“I apologize,” she said, when she realized she’d confused him. “My name is Professor Minerva McGonagall. I’m the head of Gryffindor House. The Headmaster is Professor Albus Dumbledore. In his office your parents are waiting to see how you’re doing and to reintroduce themselves to you. If you and Mr. Black would please come this way…”

She led them up some stairs to a corridor Remus could not remember ever having seen before and stopped by a statue of a gargoyle. “Lemon drop,” she said, and Remus was beginning to wonder why she was spouting nonsense when the gargoyle leapt up, moving out of the way to reveal a set of moving, spiral stairs. McGonagall ushered Sirius and Remus onto the steps, and they stood awkwardly and quietly until they arrived at the top. Off the landing there was a wooden door, on which McGonagall knocked loudly. After a moment, a voice asked that they come in. McGonagall opened the door, and looked back at Remus, who was hiding half behind Sirius.

“Mr. Lupin?” she asked, confused.

He swallowed hard. He was more nervous than he expected he would be. Were he and his parents close? Did he love them a lot? Were they proud of him? Would they be now? He felt someone nudge him, and looked up at Sirius.

“Would you like me to go in first?” he whispered. Remus felt a wave of relief wash through him, and nodded. Sirius looked forward, took a hold of Remus’s arm, and walked into the Headmaster’s office, pulling Remus along behind him.

Remus peered around Sirius to look at the office. It was large, and circular, with pictures of the different headmasters through the ages hanging on the walls. There was a great desk and a large fireplace, beside which three people were standing, one very old and two rather young. The old man smiled.

“Mr. Black,” he said casually. “Make yourself at home.”

Sirius smiled, taking a seat in a nearby chair. “Thanks.”

That left Remus standing alone and open and vulnerable. He looked at Sirius, then at the old man, then at the two younger people who were fidgeting anxiously. There was a man and a woman, and the woman looked like she’d been crying. The man looked like an older replica of the face Remus had seen in the mirror that morning, and he looked back and forth between the two, realizing that these were probably his parents.

The old man smiled. “Hello. I am Professor Dumbledore. And these,” he gestured to the man and the woman, who stiffened a little, “are your parents, John and Gretel Lupin.”

Remus looked at his parents again. “Er. Hello.”

The woman got an expression on her face like she was going to cry again, and the man’s features became pinched in a pained way. Remus felt guilty, but wasn’t sure what he had done wrong.

“Let’s all just sit down,” Professor Dumbledore suggested brightly, and gestured to the three empty chairs in front of his desk. Remus immediately sat down in the one nearest to Sirius, leaving Mr. and Mrs. Lupin to sit in the other two. Professor Dumbledore smiled at Professor McGonagall.

“Thank you, Minerva, you may go now.”

McGonagall nodded, and slipped out of the room, closing the door behind her. Remus sat straight and tense in his chair, looking straight forward at the Headmaster. He could feel both his parents and Sirius looking at him, but he concentrated on Professor Dumbledore’s smile.

“You can always tell,” he said, cocking his head to one side fondly, “if a person is acting during their everyday life when they suffer from amnesia.”

Remus’s parents glanced at each other, and Sirius sighed, seeming to be familiar with Dumbledore’s speeches. Dumbledore ignored him.

“You see, they don’t remember what they were acting like before. They only know what their conscience is telling them to do. And so, they follow. You can tell the difference, with some people. Between how they are and how they were. However, I can already tell that this will not be the case with Remus Lupin. I believe that Mr. Lupin was always true to his heart.”

Remus blinked, a bit shocked by the Headmaster’s kind words and unable to remember if he actually deserved them. He took a couple of breaths, waiting for the old man to continue.

“Because, Mr. Lupin, there were people who didn’t like you, and still don’t. Not many. Not for any reason. But still people who don’t like you. And I believe that if you were acting, you would have tried to please everyone. But you didn’t care. You told them that they could believe what they believed, but you were going to stand your ground. It takes sincere courage to do that.”

Remus wasn’t exactly sure where this was going.

“As you can see, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin,” Dumbledore said, changing the subject so abruptly Remus wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. “Remus doesn’t remember anything at all from any part of his life. Or, at least, he has no memories. He can speak, and read, and I’ll dare to say that he still knows all of the spells he’s learned over the years. However, his memories have been locked away. Really, I can’t say I’m surprised.” Dumbledore looked at Remus sadly. “He has some very bad experienced locked away inside of him. Any chance to suppress those is one his brain would jump upon.”

“How can we recover them?” Mrs. Lupin asked, speaking the first words either of them had uttered since entering the office. Remus jumped a bit. Her voice was so high. It was not a familiar sound, compared to those he’d heard from his male friends for the past few hours. Even Madame Pomfrey, Lily, and Professor McGonagall had lower voices. This one was high and airy and choked with tears. It made Remus shudder a bit.

Dumbledore sighed, steeping his fingers together. “Well, the only thing I can think of is for Remus to work on uncovering them himself. He has his friends to help him, and is the type of boy who will work hard at it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had them back before the new year.”

He smiled at Remus, who suddenly felt like there was a lot of pressure put on him to recover his memory. And quickly. He shifted uncomfortably.

“But, until that time,” Dumbledore continued, “there is nothing we can do. It is up to Remus to recover his memories. All we can do is support him along his way.” He stood. “Now, if you’ll come with me, Mr. Black, I’d like to give them a moment to talk and speak to you about what exactly Mr. Lupin and yourself were doing wandering the castle after hours.”

Sirius blushed, and stood, following Dumbledore through a door. Remus watched Sirius go with despair, and turned to his…er, parents.

For a moment, they just stared at each other. Remus searching their faces for any sort of familiarity, both of them looking at him hopefully, waiting for him to remember.

Finally, he gave up searching for memories. He locked eyes with his mother, and then with his father, before speaking quietly.

“Was I a good son?”

His mother broke down, absolutely sobbing. His father pulled her against him, and just stared at Remus, who suddenly got the feeling that his parents no longer liked him. His mother was causing a great ruckus, and Dumbledore came into the room, telling Sirius to go get Remus and get him out. Remus was just staring at his parents, feeling guilty for reasons he couldn’t think of.

“I’m sorry,” he found himself saying as Sirius pulled him up out of the chair. “I’m sorry, what did I say?”

His father was just shaking his head at him, ignoring Dumbledore as he tried to speak to him. Remus allowed Sirius to pull him out of the room.

“I’m sorry!”

Remus was curled up on the couch in front of the fire in the Common Room, alone. Just staring into the depths blankly, trying to force himself to remember. Maybe if he remembered, then people would stop looking at him like that. Maybe if he remembered, his friends wouldn’t have to explain jokes to him. Maybe if he remembered, his parents would love him again.

He sighed, and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his leg. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t remember. Why were they allowed to be upset simply because he couldn’t remember? It wasn’t his fault. He was trying it was just…hard.

Someone sat down beside him, and he glanced over to see Lily smiling at him. He tried to smile back. “Hello, Lily.”

“Hi, Remus.” She smiled at him sadly, before looking into the fire. “I heard about what happened. With your parents.”

Remus sighed, hiding his face in his knees. “I…I don’t understand what I did wrong. I only spoke one sentence, and then…” He lifted his head, looking into the fire. “Maybe I was a bad son? And nobody knew about it?”

“That can’t be it, Remus.” She put a hand on his arm. “There’s no way you could be a bad son.”

He sighed wearily. “I just want to remember. All of this will go away if I remember. Can you tell me anything? About me?”

Lily sighed thoughtfully. “Um…oh! You really like chocolate!”

She looked at Remus expectantly, but he just raised an eyebrow. “Oh. Well.”

She frowned. “No good?”

“I’m afraid it’s not helping.”

“Well, maybe if you eat some chocolate you’ll remember. Black has all of your favorites memorized. I swear, he gets you at least ten pounds of chocolate every holiday, and around fifteen for your birthday. You always have chocolate stashed away somewhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had some up there now.”

They both looked at each other for a moment, before standing and nearly tripping in their haste to get to the stairs. They scrambled up, and burst through the door, skidding to a stop on the floor in front of Remus’s things.

“Excuse you!” Sirius shouted indignantly, pulling his covers off of his bed to cover his bare chest. He scowled at Lily. “Get out, Evans.”

“Lily Evans!” James swooned, clutching his bedpost. “Finally come up to accept my love?”

Peter went back to reading.

“Shove off, Black, and in your dreams, Potter,” Lily replied, almost automatically, helping Remus tear through his trunk. They weren’t having much luck.

“What are you looking for?” Sirius asked curiously, dropping the blankets and going over.

“Chocolate,” Remus muttered, shaking out a pair of pants in the hopes that some might fall out.

“We thought that surely he’d have some in here,” Lily explained. “You’re always showering him with it, Black. We thought it might kick-start some of his memories.”

Sirius lit up. “Brilliant! Is there any?”

Remus sighed, looking into his empty trunk. “No.” He dropped his chin into his hands.

“Ah, but that’s right, you don’t know about the compartment.”

Both Lily and Remus whipped to look at him. “Compartment?”

“Yeah.” James had joined the search, pushing his glasses up as he leaned over the trunk. “It’s Remus’s ‘secret’ chocolate compartment. Really it’s just where he puts the chocolate he’s serious about us not stealing.” He reached into the trunk, pressing two buttons on the walls of the trunk and causing the bottom to pop up at one end. James lifted it, and the four all leaned in to see.

“Nothing,” Sirius sighed, falling backwards onto his butt. “No chocolates.”

Remus sighed, falling beside Sirius. He tapped his nose thoughtfully.

“There was some there just three days ago,” James said, scratching his head. “Remie, did you really eat it all that quickly?”

Remus shrugged. “I guess I was expecting to get more for Christmas and so was making room?”

“Guys,” Peter called, putting down his book. “We could just go to Hogsmeade for some. You know, through the witch’s hump passage.”

They stared at him for a moment, then James smiled. “That’s the spirit! I’ll get the cloak!”

“Let me just put on a shirt.”

“If you give me a second I can go too.”

“No, no, Pete. We’re too big for all of us to go.”

“Sirius, we’re too big for _two_ of us to go. I’ll go alone.”

“You won’t go anywhere!” Lily stood, frown set firmly on her face, and put her hands on her hips. “If you so much as _think_ about leaving this castle – even leaving _Gryffindor Tower_ – I’ll report you to McGonagall! It’s dangerous!”

“Out of the way, Evans,” James said lightly, pushing her to the side as he walked to his bed. “This is about Remus. Not about safety, or pranking, or whatever _you_ think this is about. It’s about helping Remus regain his memories.”

“It’s breaking the rules!”

“You’re breaking the rules,” Sirius pointed out, gesturing to the boy’s dormitory around them. “For Remus’s sake.”

Lily opened her mouth and closed it again several times. “I…this is different!”

“Mm, totally different.” Sirius tossed James a piece of parchment that neither Lily nor Remus recognized. James caught it easily, and grabbed a cloak that was a dark brown pattern and made of some sort of odd, silky material.

“Cheers,” he muttered to Sirius, and then headed out the door, closing it firmly behind him.

“Potter!” Lily seemed appalled that James would ignore her, and flung the door open, only to be greeted by a completely empty staircase. She moved her mouth without sound for a moment. “I…How…Where did he…James Potter! You come back right now!”

She marched down the stairs, yelling at thin air, and Sirius turned to Remus with a smile. “Well. That gets rid of that lot.”

Remus smiled a bit. “Thanks, Padfoot. For volunteering to break the rules. It reminded me that I should probably figure out what the rules are.”

“You’ve got a lot to figure out if you don’t recover your memory soon.”

Remus sighed, sitting down on his bed. “I know. Thing is I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to know so I don’t know to ask.”

Sirius smiled. “So I guess it’s about as helpful as a Remembrall?”

Remus frowned. “A what?”

“Never mind. Hey, Pete and I can give you a quick run-down. Of rules and basic things to know about the castle. And we can particularly help with the full moon coming up soon.”

Peter smiled, nodding. “It’s tomorrow, isn’t it? Oh, you’ve got a lot to learn.”

Remus shifted a little. “I’m really anxious…about the full moon.”

Sirius smiled. “No need for that. We make it rather a simple process.”

“How so?”

Peter grinned. “Let’s start at the beginning. One, you’re rubbish at Potions, and tend to get Sirius’s help most of the time.”

“Right. Second, don’t upset McGonagall, she’s hell.”

“But you never do anyways.”

“Yeah, McGoogles loves you. Three, don’t go near Pete in the morning, his breath stinks.”

“Hey! Well, four, don’t go near Sirius _ever_ , because he _always_ stinks.”

“Well, five, get to every meal before Peter because he eats all the food.”

“Don’t let Sirius around girls, he womanizes them all.”

“Don’t let Peter around girls, he scares them all.”

“Don’t let Sirius…”

Remus sighed. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter Three

“ _Why the hell are you all naked?!_ ”

Remus threw up his hands to shield his eyes, turning away from his friends. They all appeared to be going about their normal business. Only…they were all one-hundred percent stark-ass nude.

Peter sighed longingly, looking out the window. “There’s a colony in the Forbidden Forest…and I’ve finally decided to join them.” He looked at Remus. “It’s been great, lad.”

Remus just looked at him in such utter confusion that Peter worried he had broken him.

Sirius sniggered a bit, and looked up from his magazine. “It was a joke, Remus. You’ll be laughing about it when you get your memory back.”

Remus was broken.

“Anyways,” James said, standing and clapping his hands together. “On to why exactly we’re standing around a freezing dormitory with our bits exposed. We need to test something, Remus.”

Remus could only stare at James and hope to the high heavens that he wasn’t about to come on to him. Sirius, he could go on and do what he pleased, but James Potter was _not_ allowed anywhere near Remus while naked.

Sirius noticed Remus’s expression, and rolled his eyes. “Nothing like that, mate. This has to do with the full moon tonight.”

“Oh.” Remus didn’t understand, but he was still somehow less confused. “How?”

“Well,” James started. “First off, this is a secret. Only the four of us know. Hush hush.”

“Okay…”

“Promise not to tell?”

“Uh, sure.”

James smiled, and Sirius and Peter drew in a bit closer for the explanation. “Alright. So, the thing is, Remus, that you’re a werewolf. Common knowledge. Well, to us, at least. And as Sirius explained when you first woke up, you tend to hurt yourself when you can’t find an animal to hang out with. And so, in third year, we decided to do something to help you out. We became Animagi.”

He smiled, obviously pleased with his explanation, but Remus was still confused. “I’m sorry – you became what, exactly?”

“Animagi,” Peter explained. “The plural of Animagus. Wizards who can transform into animals. And we didn’t become Animagi in third year, we actually _just_ mastered it. But we’ve been working on it since third year. For the past three moons, we’ve been with you during the full moon. Just…playing.”

“And that brings us to the point of why we’re all naked,” Sirius said. “We want you to turn around and close your eyes. Then, we will all turn into our Animagus forms, and you will try to guess which is which. Another one of those memory things Pomfrey was telling us about.”

“Oh.” Remus just blinked at them. “Er, right now?”

“Yes!”

Remus started a bit. “Sorry, sorry…” He turned to face to the door, placing his hand over his eyes and shutting them tight. He waited a few moments.

“Um. Can I turn around now?” No response was given, and so he turned around to be greeted by a large, brown stag, a black dog with its tongue hanging out that reached at least to Remus’s waist, and a rat.

He stared at them all blankly for a moment. How the devil was he supposed to tell who was who? They were animals now, and they didn’t look a thing like their human forms. He was growing rather tired through all of these shenanigans.

He sighed, and sat down cross-legged on the floor. He didn’t want to do this now. He wasn’t exactly feeling up to it. He stared at them all.

The stag huffed impatiently, scraping a hoof against the floor. Remus took note.

“It’s hard,” he complained in reply. “I don’t know what kind of animals you are. I mean, if I hang around you as animals for a bit I could guess, but I don’t think you guys understand that I just _don’t remember_.”

The three looked at each other, and the dog padded forward, nudging Remus’s face with his head. Remus smiled a little, taking its head in his hands and scratching its ears. “Thanks…I hope you guys understand. I might just end up sitting here for a while.”

The dog let its tongue hang out of its mouth, and settled down heavily in Remus’s lap. Remus shifted under the weight. He sighed.

“So. Sirius, James, and Peter. Which of you could be which?”

The stag sat down with a huffy sigh, and the rat scrambled up to sit between its horns. The dog just settled down more on Remus’s lap, and he shifted, now wondering about the intentions of whoever the dog was.

“ _James Potter!_ ”

They all perked up, then looked at each other before shoving Remus into the bathroom. The dog grabbed the handle with his mouth, and shut the door tight. Remus sighed. They weren’t going to make this easy.

He heard a few groans and heavy breaths as they all transformed back, and what sounded like someone shaking out their hair.

“God, those prongs…”

“Ick, did I get rid of my wormy tail?”

“Aww, my padded feet…FLEAS!”

“Hush!”

“Ugh, I feel huge.”

“I like my form…”

“Can we let him out now?”

The door opened, and Remus raised an eyebrow at Peter. “Hi.”

“C’mon out,” Peter said, stepping aside. “We’re getting dressed now. Lily sounds livid.”

“I should go down there,” Remus said wearily. He had a feeling that this was something he said often. “You guys get dressed.”

Remus went down the stairs, to find Lily Evans standing red-faced and with her eyes glinting, holding a piece of paper in the most garish shade of pink ever. He looked at her in a lost sort of way.

“I don’t know anything about that.”

“Oh don’t you?” She raised an eyebrow, and opened the card. “ _‘She walks, my Lily, like the night, of cloudless, undiluted full-moon skies. All that’s fearsome and fire-bright, meet in her glaring, glinting eyes.’_ Don’t you dare tell me you had nothing to do with this! Potter reading Lord Byron?! Remus Lupin-”

She stopped, and just looked at Remus with her mouth open. He crossed his arms.

“What’s that, Lily?”

“I’m sorry. Remus, I forgot-”

“Isn’t that just it?” He let out a bitter laugh. “Everyone just keeps forgetting things.” He shook his head, and started towards the portrait hole. “I’m sorry, Lily. Maybe I did have something to do with it. But right now, I wouldn’t know.”

He left the Common Room without waiting for an answer from her, heading swiftly in the first direction that popped into his mind. He just kept walking, taking turns and heading down staircases, walking off the frustration that the encounter had built within him.

Before he knew it he was standing in front of the library. He hadn’t been there since his accident, and didn’t know how he’d gotten there. But he was there. Maybe something in his subconscious _was_ trying to remember. He walked in slowly, and felt everything fall away from him as he looked at the books. They seemed comforting. So many stories, characters, theories, directions, recipes, spells…he was at home, and he knew it.

“Remus?”

He turned around, and saw a woman who was probably in her forties smiling at him from behind a desk.

“Remus Lupin,” she said softly, pushing up a pair of glasses on her angular nose. “Well, I haven’t seen you for a while. I was wondering if you’d find your way here.” Her smile widened. “Welcome back.”

Remus felt like his heart expanded in that moment, and he smiled at the woman. “This might sound weird, but it’s glad to be back.” He extended a hand. “Remus Lupin. Pleased to meet you.”

The woman smiled. “Madame Pince. It’s lovely to have you in the library again. Are you alright? You looked upset.”

Remus shook his head. “It’s just stupid memory things. I helped James write a love note for Lily but of course I don’t remember doing it and she got all onto me for saying I didn’t know what was going on. She just forgot, was all. It just…it flared my irritation.” He sighed, rubbing his face. “Am I always like this around the full moon?”

She smiled, and he knew he was right in assuming she knew. All the teachers seemed to. “Yes, you do get a good bit more irritable and emotional. But it’s understandable. You have two people living inside of your head. They both need to react.”

Remus sighed, leaning against the counter. “That doesn’t sound like a very good reason.”

“No. It just means you have to try a little harder. And you, Remus Lupin, seem to try five times harder than everybody else. You don’t allow yourself to lose your temper. You keep it best out of all of your friends, and that is saying something indeed.”

Remus wasn’t exactly sure what she was talking about anymore. He sighed, looking towards the door. “Well, I need to either head back to Gryffindor tower, or go to the Hospital Wing.” He looked at Madame Pince. “Can I have directions?”

She smiled, and leaned over the counter a little. “Head just down this corridor and down the nearest set of stairs. It should be just on the left after that.”

“Which one?”

“The Hospital Wing. There’s hardly any time left for you to go all the way to Gryffindor Tower.”

“Alright.” He nodded, and smiled at Madame Pince. “Thank you. I’ll be sure to come back here some time. It seems…relaxing.”

She smiled. “Oh, it is. I’ve missed you these couple of days, Remus. Now you’d better be on your way. Don’t want Poppy to worry.”

He nodded, and thanked her again before heading swiftly down the corridor. He was just slipping down the stairs when he heard his name called.

“Remus!”

He turned to see the other three Marauders jogging towards him. Sirius smiled.

“Heard you got onto Evans. She deserved it.”

Remus blushed. “I feel kind of bad about it. It was probably me anyways.”

“Well, yes, it was,” Peter said. “But she shouldn’t have yelled at you for being confused.”

Remus shrugged. “I guess…anyways, I’m heading to the Hospital Wing.”

“Course you are.”

“So are we.”

“To get a good guess on when we can head on out.”

“Don’t want Pomfrey to catch us.”

“No, that would be bad.”

“So we’re going to sit and wait until you two leave.”

“Then wait a few minutes.”

“Then head outside.”

“And change.”

“We’ll meet you in the Shrieking Shack.”

Remus just looked at them all for a moment, before turning and continuing to the Hospital Wing. The Marauders were a confusing group. He could hear them following him as he turned into the Hospital Wing. Madame Pomfrey looked up, and smiled at him sadly.

“Remus. Are you ready?” She looked over his shoulder, and frowned. “What are they all doing here?”

“I really don’t know,” Remus replied, shaking his head wearily. “Shall we just…?”

She nodded, and started bustling around, collecting things. Remus stood there awkwardly, feeling like he should be helping but unable to think of how to. Also, James, Peter, and Sirius were standing behind him and making him feel weird.

Finally, Madame Pomfrey smiled over at him. “Ready to go?”

He sighed. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

She nodded, then looked suspiciously at the other three behind him, standing silently, smiling to themselves. What could they want? “Right. Well, let’s go, then.”

She and Remus walked past the Marauders, who waved brightly to Remus. They continued through the castle, and out the doors. Remus wasn’t exactly sure where they were going as they headed towards a large tree with clubs for limbs. Then it started moving.

Now it made a little more sense.

Madame Pomfrey picked up a long, conveniently placed stick, and nudged a large knot on the trunk of the tree. The branches all froze, and Remus smiled. Brilliant.

She led him towards the tree, and Remus could see a small opening under one of the raised roots. They made their way down, and through a long, low-ceilinged tunnel. Madame Pomfrey stopped, and reached up to push open an ancient trap door. It creaked loudly, and the two climbed up into the house.

“Your room is up at the top of the stairs,” she said, her voice seeming loud and intrusive in the silent house.

“Okay.” That was all Remus could think to reply with for a while. They were all the way up the stairs before either spoke again. “Maybe this will bring back memories.”

Madame Pomfrey started a bit as she opened a door, and looked at Remus with wide eyes. She tried to smile. “Oh. Yes, memories. Those should be…helpful…”

She turned back to the room, and Remus got the feeling that she dearly hoped he wouldn’t recover memories through this experience.

The room was simple and small – a window, a bed, a dresser and a door. The bedspread was faded and torn, but smoothed across the bed as if waiting for him. Remus could make out the dulled colors and lion of Gryffindor House, the lion slashed in two but sewn back together by someone’s patient hands.

Madame Pomfrey was looking around the room with a sort of sad fondness, and Remus realized that she was probably the one who put these things here for him. A bed to crawl into when he changed back, a dresser to put his clothes on top of and to scratch at. She had probably made the blankets herself and repaired them as well. Remus was, in short, thoroughly touched.

He wanted to say something, but didn’t know how, and she was beginning to bustle around. “The moon should be rising soon,” she was saying. “I want to be out of here before that happens. I’ll be rushing out here as soon as the sun peeks over the horizon, but if you change back and get cold you can crawl in bed. You seem to prefer to keep your clothes on top of the dresser, but you might want to try inside this month if you’d like. Sometimes, when your wounds aren’t as bad, you like to put them on before I come in.”

Remus nodded. “Thank you.”

She bit her lip, and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not sure if saying this will do any good…you lose your mind when you transform, but…be careful.”

This woman thoroughly cared for Remus, and it made a lump rise in his throat that he couldn’t remember her. He nodded. “Thank you.”

She gave him a brief smile, before quickly exiting the room. Remus waited until he heard the trap door shut, then slowly and shakily began to remove his clothes. He placed them on top of the dresser, then just stood there, unsure of what to do with himself. He walked over to the window, and peered out.

The castle was nowhere in sight. Either this was very far away or it the window faced the opposite direction. However, he could see a small village lying not too far away. He felt his stomach twist as he hoped he wouldn’t harm anyone there.

He stepped back a bit as he looked at the direction of the moon. Where was Hogwarts situated, anyway? It must have been somewhere high in altitude, because the full moon that was beginning to rise was huge and bright. Remus bit his lip anxiously, shifting a little. Then, suddenly, he felt as though every bone in his body pulled violently towards the sky, and he let out a scream.

It was starting.


	4. Chapter Four

_“Hush, hush, time to be sleeping. Hush, hush, dreams come a-creeping._

_Dreams of peace and of freedom so smile in your sleep bonny baby.”_

_Remus stared up at the sky, waiting along with his mother and father. His mother sang quietly beside him, holding onto him as they waited. The December full moon. Brightest night of the year._

_Remus swung his legs under his chair, waiting anxiously for the moon to reach its peak. It was growing steadily brighter, rising higher in the sky. Remus was excited. He loved the December moon._

_“Once our valleys were ringing with songs of our children singing._

_But now sheep bleat till the evening and shielings lie empty and broken.”_

_Remus shivered. “Mum, I’m cold.”_

_She looked up, and shrugged. “I suppose I have time to get you a blanket…wait here.”_

_She stood, going back into the house and leaving John and Remus in the back garden. Remus smiled over at his father. “It’s exciting, isn’t it, Father? This is the first December moon I can remember. Maybe I’ll remember it forever.”_

_John smiled, putting an arm around his son. “I sure hope so. I remember the first one your mother showed me. I’d never really thought of it before, the full moon. It holds importance for a lot of people.”_

_Remus nodded. “It’s important to me.”_

_John frowned. “Why’s that, Remus?”_

_Remus thought for a moment, before shrugging. “I don’t know…it just…feels important.”_

_John smiled a bit. “Hm. I think I’ll go in and see what your mother is up to. Stay put, alright?”_

_Remus nodded, and watched as his father walked towards the orange glow of the house. He looked back up at the moon, hoping they wouldn’t miss it._

_There was a rustling sound off in the trees, and Remus looked over. It was beyond the fence of their backyard, so he didn’t worry too much. However, he still shifted, keeping his eyes on the trees._

_He caught movement, and sucked in a breath. “Father?” He looked towards the house. His parents were in the kitchen, but seemed unable to hear him._

_“Father? Mother?” He looked back over to see eyes gleaming in the darkness. He turned straight forward again, and hesitated for a moment before slipping off of his chair, moving hesitantly towards the fence. “H-hello?”_

_The eyes moved a bit closer, and Remus felt his breathing speed up. “Who’s there?!”_

_They moved closer still, and Remus could see the form of a wolf in the darkness. He backed away some. “Mother! Father!”_

_He glanced over his shoulder, but whipped around again as he heard a low growl. “Mother!”_

_The wolf was just on the other side of the fence now, and Remus could see it more clearly. It was bent over oddly, its paws seeming awkwardly large, and its eyes flashed blue in the moonlight._

_Werewolf._

_Remus backed up hastily as the wolf prepared to pounce. “Mother! Fa-”_

_The wolf pounced, landing heavily on Remus’s chest, which resulted in a violent growl and a loud scream. Remus shoved against the creature kicking it off of him. He tried to crawl away, but yelled as his right arm gave out, and his face crashed into the ground. He heard his mother and father shouting, and tried to sit up, turning to look at the wolf again._

_It leapt on him once more, dodging a spell cast by his parents and landing on his chest again, ripping its teeth across his chest. Remus screamed as pain ripped through him, arching his back against it. He fell heavily back against the ground, losing consciousness, trying to move but finding himself able only to twitch weakly in the direction of his parents, who were busy shouting spells at the wolf. He felt it get propelled off of him, and tried to breath. It hurt, the expansion of his lungs. He whimpered in tune with the wolf behind him._

_“Mother…”_

~

Remus jolted awake with a shout, breathing quick and uneven. He looked around to find himself face-down on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, completely naked. He shivered, and sat up. He winced, raising a hand to trace the three long original scars. “Ow…” He shivered bit more, then thought back to his dream…

No. His memory.

His breath caught, and he felt tears in his eyes, sobs shaking in his chest. He tried not to think about it, but now it was there, his only memory from before the accident. And he couldn’t get rid of it. Now, he didn’t blame himself for forgetting. He even dared to thank himself.

What if all of his memories were like that?

“Remus?”

He looked up to see Sirius lying on the floor beside him. He looked around more to see James curled up in the bed and Peter lying just beside the bed, curled up into a little ball. Sirius had said his name, head raised a bit. He frowned.

“Remus, are you alright?” He crawled over to Remus, putting a hand on his back.

Remus shook his head. “I…I remember…that night. The night it happened…” He bit his lip, closing his eyes in an attempt to hold back another wave of tears. He took a shaking breath. “I was attacked. I was six years old, and I was attacked. It was the December full moon…brightest night of the year, and…we were outside, but it was cold, so Mother went in to get me a blanket, and after a while Father went in as well, and then…he attacked, I…”

“Remus, it’s okay.” Sirius wrapped his arms around the other boy. “You’re okay. Look, you’re fine. See?”

“It hurts.” Remus took Sirius’s hand, placing it over the three scars. “It hurts. On that moon, on this one, on every moon. It hurts.”

Sirius just looked at Remus sadly for a moment. “I know.” He traced his fingers loosely on Remus’s skin, looking at the scars for himself. “You’ve told me…”

Remus shivered, then stopped. Sirius frowned. “Remus?”

Remus looked up, new tears shining in his eyes. “I…I missed it, Pads.”

“Missed what?”

“The December full moon.”

~

Several days later, Remus was a bit more over having recovered that memory. He sat in the library, quietly reading _Romeo and Juliet_ as Madame Pince sorted books on the shelves. He made a mental note to thank Lily for lending it to him. It was interesting.

Madame Pince peered over her glasses at the title, and smiled. “Romance, Remus?”

Remus smiled, not looking up. “I’m enjoying it.”

“So, you’ve still got your eye on him, then?”

Remus stopped abruptly, looking up. “Who?”

Madame Pince shrugged. “Well, I can’t say I’m sure of it…but I had a strong feeling for at least a few months before your fall that you fancied Sirius Black.”

Remus immediately went red, ducking back into his book. “O-oh? Well, er, maybe I did. I-I wouldn’t know…”

Madame Pince chuckled a bit. “I don’t entirely approve of Mr. Black, but…if he can make you act this way, Remus, then I wish you luck.”

Remus just mumbled a little, and Madame Pince laughed under her breath again before moving away. Remus waited until she was definitely away, then packed up his things quickly. He didn’t exactly feel up to being questioned about his love interests. He headed quickly out of the library, and walked in the direction of the Common Room.

There were a few outbursts and giggles down the hall, and Remus looked up to see a shaggy black dog bounding down the corridor. Remus tried to scowl at whichever friend this could be, but instead found himself smiling fondly. “What are you doing here? Like _that_?”

The dog just let its tongue loll out of its mouth, sniffing Remus’s stomach and crotch. He flushed, shoving him away.

“What’s wrong with you?!” he asked, and the dog gave a barking laugh. Remus stalked past it, and the people snickering in the hall, trying to ignore the padding sounds it made as it followed him. It barked again.

“Stop it,” Remus complained. He stopped, and the dog marched right up to him, plopping down. He leaned in close. “I’m going to get in trouble.”

The dog licked his face in response, and he flushed. “Who are you?”

The dog raised an eyebrow teasingly. What the fuck? Do dogs even _have_ eyebrows? He shook his head, turning and continuing back to Gryffindor tower. The dog followed him the whole way, and jumped onto the couch that Remus tried to sit on. It then proceeded to climb into Remus’s lap, which it was really too big to do, and Remus sighed, exasperated.

“If you don’t leave me alone,” he said, “I will go into the dorm and figure out who you are because whoever you’re not will be standing there being normal.”

The dog just settled into place. Remus sighed. He wasn’t one for empty threats.

He was heading for the stairs, people giggling at the dog as it had fallen on the floor rather ungracefully, when he was nearly bowled over by it as it rushed up the stairs. He sighed, and continued up to the dorm.

He found all of the others lying on their beds, calmly reading or writing Lily love notes. They all looked up and smiled at Remus.

Remus was real done.

He sighed, throwing down his bag and beginning to undress. “You all are exhausting,” he complained.

“Aw, Remus, don’t be that way.” Sirius skipped over to lie all over Remus’s bed. “You know you looooooooooove us.”

Remus ignored him, slipping into his pajamas. He tried weakly to shove Sirius off of his bed, but eventually just gave up and collapsed on top of him with a sigh.

“Oof!” Sirius shoved at him. “Get off, moon-brains.”

Remus snorted. “‘Moon-brains’? Stooped so low as to state the obvious, Padfoot?”

“I thought you would want a nickname as well,” Sirius sniffed.

“I want a nickname!” James put down his pink paper and scrambled across the room to sit on Sirius. “Pads, give me a nickname.”

“How about Potty for my Potter?”

“That hurts! Right in my heart, Sirius. I thought what we had was special.”

“How about Prongs?” Peter suggested, mostly sarcastically, also coming over to join the others. Remus wondered why they had chosen his bed on which to have this conversation.

“Hmm,” James contemplated. “That’s not too bad. Pete.”

“Prongs! Why do you get a good nickname?”

“Oh, don’t you like ‘Padfoot’?” Remus asked, looking over at Sirius and raising an eyebrow.

Sirius blushed. “I mean…it’s fine, but…”

“What about Peter?”

“Yes, what about me?”

Remus thought back to the first time they’d shown him their forms, and smiled. He’d heard someone say ‘Wormy tail’…

“How about Wormtail?”

They looked at Remus, shocked. “Did you figure it out?”

He frowned. “What?”

“Which of us is which?”

He opened his mouth, then looked at all of them. “I…I didn’t think about it, but…” He sat up, and pointed to them all. “Um…stag, rat, dog?”

They all smiled. “Right. So. Wormtail it is.”

Remus smiled. Good to know. Then he glared at Sirius. “You! You are a right menace, I’ll get in trouble!”

Sirius grinned at him. “Aw, only a bit of fun, Moonbits.”

“‘Moonbits’?”

“Or would you prefer ‘Wolfie’?”

“Oh, yeah, Remus needs a name!”

“But not something as stupid as ‘Wolfie’ or ‘Moonbits’!”

“Hmm.” Sirius looked at Remus seriously for a moment. “How…about…’Moony’?”

“‘Moony’?”

“It’s like a combination of ‘Wolfie’ and ‘Moonbits’. It is perfect!” Sirius smiled at him.

James grinned as well. “Prongs, Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot.”

“Why am I last?”

“Because you’re smelly, that’s why.”

“That doesn’t sound good. Not in that order.”

Remus thought for a moment. “Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs?”

Sirius nodded, but James looked affronted. “Now _I’m_ last!”

“That’s what you get.”

“For what?”

“For being smellier than Sirius.”

Remus smiled, looking at them all bickering. He couldn’t particularly remember this group of friends, no. But he felt like that didn’t matter. Because he knew who they were. He knew everything he needed. And what he didn’t know, they would help him through. Remus counted himself, in that moment, as very lucky.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The link you will require will be at the end.

“You’re leaving?”

James and Peter nodded slowly. “Yes…it’s what people do. Or, you now, some people. They go home over Christmas to spend time with their families.”

“I’m coming back early.” James smiled. “Can’t have Lily wandering the big, empty castle alone, now can I?”

“But…” Remus looked at them in a lost sort of way. “What will I do?”

“You’ve got Sirius,” Peter pointed out, shoving things into his trunk. “And Lily will be around. By the way, I suggest getting her something for Christmas. Last I checked, you were planning on getting her some new skirts because hers are beginning to look rather worn, and James beat you around the head for looking at her skirt.”

James smiled dreamily. “Ah, good times…”

“You can get those from Hogsmeade, the trip for which should actually be coming up soon.” He snapped his trunk closed, and smiled over at Remus. “Other than that, enjoy the Christmas holidays.”

He and James started down the stairs, and Remus followed. “That’s it?! You’re just going to up and leave for three weeks?!”

“Yep. Avoid the mistletoe when you’re walking with Sirius. He will not hesitate to kiss whomever he’s with full on the lips. Particularly you.”

“He likes to see you blush or something.”

“The pervert. Taking advantage of Remus.”

“Unsuspecting werewolves should look out.”

“Then they would no longer be unsuspecting.”

“James! Peter!” Remus stopped halfway across the Common Room, as the two continued to the portrait hole, waved, and disappeared. He whined, collapsing onto a nearby couch sadly.

Lily came over and sat beside him. “Are you okay?”

“They left,” he complained, gesturing to the portrait hole. “They…they just…up and left.”

“They went home to their families.”

Remus whined again, and Lily put an arm around him with a chuckle. “Oh, Remus. You’ll be alright. I’m here and Black’s here and the library is always open. You’ll find something to do. Speaking of which,” she said, her voice becoming inquisitive. “Have you finished _Romeo and Juliet_ yet?”

“Oh, yes,” Remus replied, perking up immediately. “It was very good, I’ve been meaning to give it back to you. I’ll run and get it now.”

He walked up to the dorm, and was just walking in when something came barreling out, knocking into him.

“Padfoot!” he complained, catching himself against the wall. But Sirius was not paying attention.

“Where did they go?” He looked around, then bolted down the stairs. “James! Pete!”

Remus sighed, and looked longingly into the dorm. To peacefully get Lily’s book…he turned with a groan, running after Sirius. “Padfoot! Sirius, wait up!”

“Remus?” Lily asked, startled, looking up.

“I’ll get your book in a minute,” he said to her, dashing out the portrait hole and running after Sirius. “Sirius, where are you going?”

The other boy stopped, breathing heavily, and turned to Remus. “I…I didn’t get the chance to give them my Christmas presents…”

Remus sighed wearily, rubbing his face. “Sirius, you can owl them.”

“But, Moony, it’s not the saaaaaaaame.”

“It’ll have to do. Come on back to the Common Room and we’ll write some nice letters, alright?”

Sirius pouted, but followed Remus back into the Common Room. Remus sat him down at a table, and ran up to the dormitory for Lily’s book and some paper and quills.

“There you are,” he said to Lily, handing her the book. “Now I apologize, but I have to go babysit Sirius.”

She smiled. “I understand. Have…er, fun.”

“I’ll try, thanks. See you later.” He went back and sat by Sirius, handing him a quill. “Right. Go on, then, write letters to send with your presents.”

“What about you?”

Remus blinked at him. “What about me?”

“Aren’t you going to write letters? Don’t you have presents?”

Remus looked at him for a moment, then started hyperventilating. “Oh my God. I haven’t even thought about it. What am I going to get them? I don’t know what they like, I-”

“Remus.” Sirius put a hand over Remus’s mouth, silencing his hysterics. “Don’t worry about it, you already got them things. I just wasn’t sure if you…well, remembered…”

Remus blushed in tone with Sirius, and he removed his hand. “They should be up in the dorm. Well-hidden, too. You’re the best at hiding presents.”

Remus sighed. “Oh, how inconvenient.” He stood. “Let’s go, then.”

They headed to the dorm, once again, and Remus looked around. “You haven’t any idea where I might have hidden them?”

“In third year we turned the entirety of your part of the room upside down looking for presents simply because you were so good at hiding them. They’re probably not over there.”

“Right,” Remus sighed. “Well, thinking as me right now, I would hide them not by my bed but your beds, but not respectively. For instance, I would probably put Peter’s gift by your bed and your gift by James’s bed and James’s gift by Peter’s bed. I say we check under your bed first.”

Sirius went pale, glancing at Remus. “You don’t want to do that.”

“Why?”

“It’s smelly.”

Remus sighed, and marched over to Sirius’s bed, whipping open the curtains. He scrunched up his nose. “Sirius, your bed is disgusting. Shouldn’t the house elves clean this up every now and then anyways?”

“I think it’s a conspiracy,” Sirius said darkly, hiding in the relative safe zone of Peter’s area. Remus rolled his eyes, and took a deep breath of fresh-ish air before plunging down to underneath Sirius’s bed.

“Ugh! This is gross! And look at all these _crumbs!_ Is that…no, that can’t be…where did you even _get_ one…? I don’t want to know. Hey, Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you happen to know precisely what it is I got Peter or James for Christmas?”

“Hmm.” He tapped his nose with one hand, wrapping the other arm around Peter’s bedpost. “Well…I think you got Peter a new journal. And you got James a broom polishing kit. The kind with wax and twig tweezers.”

“Hmm…” Remus pushed things around, and finally came across the first book he’d seen in the entirety of the junk hoard under Sirius’s bed. He pulled it out, and opened it to reveal a bunch of blank pages. Yep. This was it. There was something written on the first page, and Remus stood up so he could see it better.

_Dearest Peter,_

_I am so sorry that James and Sirius accidentally burned your last journal while I wasn’t around to stop them. Though I know it is impossible to replace sentimental value, along with whatever could have been written in those pages, I got you this journal for Christmas, and have enchanted it to be fire and water resistant. May it fare better than the last three._

_Happy Christmas and best wishes,_

_Remus._

Remus smiled, reading the note through again and again. This. This was a small piece of him. Of the him before the accident, the him he didn’t know. He looked up at Sirius excitedly. “Padfoot, did I ever keep a journal or a diary?”

“Wassit?” Sirius frowned, and blushed a bit. “Er, well, yes, actually. You did.”

Remus couldn’t believe it. Why hadn’t they told him before?! This was great! He could learn things about himself. Who he was friends with, what he liked to do, if he really _did_ have a gigantic crush on Sirius (before the fall – he pretty much knew he did now). He grinned at Sirius. “Great! Where is it?”

Sirius cleared his throat, looking at the ceiling. “It, um, accidentally burned along with Peter’s last journal.”

Remus looked at him, and sighed, feeling his excitement drop all the way down past his feet. He sat on Sirius’s bed with a groan. “Perfect…”

Sirius looked up apologetically. “I’m sorry, Remus.”

Remus shook his head. “It’s fine…but hell, that would have been helpful.” He looked up, and smiled a bit, holding up the journal. “Found Peter’s.”

Sirius grinned. “Great. Now we just need to find James’s, which should be easy if it’s under Peter’s bed.”

Remus sighed, standing and walking over to Peter’s bed. He moved the covers out of the way, and was glad to see that it was mostly clean under there aside from some shoes and robes. He pushed things around, but couldn’t seem to find anything that remotely resembled a broom polishing kit (as if he knew what that looked like).

He was just about to pull back when he saw something else. He glanced over to make sure that Sirius was preoccupied with shoving things back under his bed, and pulled it out carefully.

Okay. This was nearly as good as a diary would have been.

It was a sweater, soft and scarlet red, that seemed to be handmade. Pinned to the front was a thick envelope with the word ‘ _Sirius_ ’ written neatly on the front. Remus looked at it for a long time, then quickly shoved it back under. “It’s not here. I’ll check under his bed.”

“Alright. Just watch out for his socks. They’re the worst.”

Remus dug around under James’s bed, and was soon able to find a broom polishing kit that promised to make your broom ‘ _Just Like New!_ ’ He gathered this and Peter’s gift together, and went down with Sirius to absently write James and Peter letters wishing them a happy Christmas. Sirius offered to take everything over to the owlery, and Remus agreed, saying he had homework to do and that he’d see Sirius later. 

The second the portrait door swung shut, Remus dashed up to the dorm, grabbed the sweater and the letter from under Peter’s bed, and nearly fell back down the stairs, coming to a clumsy halt in front of Lily Evans, who looked up from her book.

“Remus?”

He dropped the sweater into her lap, and she stared at it for a second. Then another second. Then a longer second. Finally, Remus grew impatient.

“What is this?” he asked, his voice stressed.

She looked up. “I…I taught you how to knit…you said it was a gift for someone special…” She ran her hands over the folded material, and smiled. “It’s well done, Remus, really well done…”

“How long would that take?” he asked, sounding thoroughly distressed. “Hell, all I got Peter was a journal with some simple anti-destruction charms on it. I…I spent _time_ on this gift for Sirius. And this…this letter, it’s three inches thick. What could be in here?”

Lily shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know, Remus, I’m sorry. You never told me anything much about this.”

Remus sighed, looking down at the sweater. He had known he fancied Sirius, sure. He was an attractive, interesting young man. But this…this scared Remus.

This looked like _love._

“Should I open it?” he asked, looking up at Lily. “The letter.”

She bit her lip. “You don’t know what’s inside…I would definitely open it before you give it to Black. Just so you sort of know what to expect.”

Remus nodded, taking the sweater back. “Right…right, I’m going to the library.”

Lily nodded. “Um, do you want me…well, to go with you?”

Remus looked down, and shook his head. “No. But, I’ll tell you about it. Alright?”

She nodded. “Okay. See you, Remus.”

He nodded, and headed out the portrait hole.

~~

_Dear Sirius._

_Enclosed is a collection of notes, journal entries, random scrawlings, aimless doodles, stories, pictures, and the such that all have something in common. I would take this moment to tell you to go look at them and guess what, but I know you’re too lazy for that, so I’ll just tell you that they’re all about us. And by us, I don’t mean the Marauders, though some are about all of us. I mean that they pertain specifically to you and I. The both of us. Together._

_I want you to not think anything of me, Sirius, please don’t. Don’t form any opinions right now. Merlin, you probably saw this coming, who am I kidding, but please, just keep your mind entirely blank and open for me. Can you do that? Thanks._

_I would at this point like for you to please refer to the enclosed collection. Please._

_No, stop reading._

_Sirius I mean it._

_Go._

_Now._

_It will all make sense._

_Don’t you trust me?_

_There’s a good lad. You just read up, then, and I’ll keep writing._

_That last journal entry was the last one I tore out before you guys burned the thing to a crisp. Good job on that, by the way. But I guess the reason I enclosed all of that stuff from first year until now is to show you my train of thought, the way I reacted to things you said that caused me to come to this conclusion, this final piece of myself that oops is reading about himself right now._

_Sirius Black, I am in love with you._

_That isn’t so hard to write down. Not while I’m not looking you in the oblivious eyes and I still have the chance to never give you this package. Not hard at all. But the gravity of the words seem different written down. I’m looking them over again and again, and it’s like I’m saying the words time after time. I love you, I love you, I love you. You can look them over again and again, if you’d like. I have to objections to saying the words again and again. I would say them to the end of time, unless you stopped me. Which, given the evidence I have supplied, might happen. But that’s not the point._

_The point is that yes, I love you. And yes, I want you to know. But no, this isn’t the only option. If you so decided, I would drop the subject immediately. Because your friendship is more important to me than anything. And so if you decided that the way our friendship would work would be as friendship then we would have friendship and that would be the end-ship._

_It’s late, as you can tell._

_Anyways. I suppose that I’ll talk to you eventually, since I have to go to school and live with and sleep in the same room as you and I can’t hide under tables and in bookshelves and behind Madame Pince forever. Come and find me when you’re ready._

_Love,_

_Remus._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://alloverthepaper.tumblr.com/post/29331246555  
> This is the 'enclosed collection.'


	6. Chapter Six

“Remus. Remus I wanna go outside. Remus it’s snowing. Remus. Remus. Take me outside. Remus. Moony.”

Remus threw a pillow at Sirius, diving back into the warmth of his blankets. “Go outside by yourself!”

“Remus you can’t stay in bed forever.”

“Yes I can. It’s the Christmas holidays. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

“Remus. Remus. I will crawl into bed beside you.”

“I don’t care.”

Sirius didn’t crawl into bed with Remus. He just stood there in his coat and scarf and hat and gloves all bundled up like a child and ready to go outside in the snow. Remus tried to ignore him and go back to sleep. However, it is a difficult task for Remus to ignore Sirius.

“Go away,” he whined, hiding his face in his pillow. “I’m trying to sleep.”

“Remus, are you okay? You seem down.”

“I’m fine. Go play in the snow. Oh!” He raised his head, looking over at Sirius. “If you see Lily, tell her I need to talk to her.”

“Remus.” Sirius was whining now, and stamped his foot a little. “Why will you get out of bed for Lily but not for me?”

He put his face back in his pillow with a sigh. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“It seems like you’re closer to her than you are to me.”

There was definite sadness and hurt in Sirius’s voice, and Remus sat up. “No, Sirius, it’s not…”

Sirius pouted, crossing his arms. “Not what?” He waited for a moment, but receiving no response continued talking. “Remus, I really wish you would remember. Things would be a lot easier.”

Remus frowned, letting out a huffy breath. “Well, I’m trying, okay? I don’t know why I forgot, so I can’t just remember at the drop of a hat. I’m sorry that I’m not fast enough for you.”

Sirius glared at Remus. “That’s not what I meant-”

“Then what did you mean?”

Sirius looked at Remus as though searching for words, then turned away with an eloquent “Arrrghakdjkhds,” stomping off down the stairs.

“That’s not a word!” Remus called after him, and the door slammed shut. He leaned against his pillows, seething. Why was everyone so upset with him for not remembering things? It wasn’t his fault! He hadn’t asked to forget. He just did. He sat there for a moment longer before deciding he wasn’t going to get any more sleep, and got out of bed, huffily pulling on some clothes and heading down to the Common Room.

He didn’t see Lily anywhere, and so instead started searching for one of the girls she often talked to. Where was the one? With the brown hair and the eyes and stuff…

There. He walked over, tapping her on the shoulder. She turned, and smiled. “Hi, Remus.”

Was this girl his friend? He couldn’t even remember. He hadn’t spoken to her. He tried to smile back. “Um, hello. I’m afraid I don’t recall your name.”

“Alice.”

“Ah. Right. Well, Alice, do you happen to know where Lily went?”

“She said she was heading to the library. Looking for you, I think. Didn’t know you were still up in the dorms. You and Sirius.”

Remus blinked at her, and frowned. “What?”

She smiled a bit, withdrawing herself more from the group. “It probably happened a bit before the fall…but I saw you two. In the Charms corridor.” She bit her lip, as if to keep from giggling.

Remus just stared at her. “I…what?”

She rolled her eyes, still smiling. “ _Kissing,_ Remus. You and Sirius.”

Remus didn’t respond for a while, and her smile faltered. “Um. Not the best time to be telling you this?”

“Not exactly.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat. “Anyways, thanks. I’ll see you around.”

Alice looked after Remus worriedly as he dashed out of the portrait hole. He made his way to the library, and stopped by to speak with Madame Pince. She smiled as he came up. “Hello, Remus.”

“Hi. Er, is Lily in here, do you know?”

“I just saw her come in. She headed back to your usual spot, just behind the history section.”

Remus nodded. “Thanks.” He slipped through the bookshelves to the history section, and came to a small table and some chairs, where Lily was standing and looking weary.

“Lily?”

She turned, and smiled. “Oh, Remus. I’ve been looking for you.”

“Here I am.” He smiled weakly, and she sat down, patting the other chair.

“So. What does it say?”

Remus sighed, and didn’t answer for a moment, simply thinking back to what everything about the letter said. He looked over at her. “Apparently, I’m very attached.”

She nodded. “I thought you might be.”

He shook his head. “I don’t know what to think.”

“Do you like him?”

Remus blushed. “Well, yes. Sometimes he’s an annoying bugger, like right this very moment, but…I just, I dunno, I fancy him.”

“Is that all? And is that all that the letter said?”

Remus shook his head. “I’m so confused…and a girl named Alice just told me that she caught us kissing a while ago. Lily, I don’t know what’s happening. And I really just wish I could remember.”

They sat in silence for a while, before Remus stood. “Anyways, I’m going to go find him.”

“What for?”

“We, er…had a row, earlier. I should apologize.”

She nodded. “Good luck, Remus.”

He just made a sort of strangled noise, before heading out of the library, directing himself towards Gryffindor tower. He walked straight up to the dorm, and grabbed his coat, pulling it on as he made his way back down the stairs. He went to the windows, looking around as best he could.

“C’mon,” he whispered to himself, moving to another window for a different view. “Sirius where are you…”

Finally, he caught sight of him down on the grounds, kicking the snow around. Remus smiled. Perfect. A slow-moving activity. He dashed out of the portrait hole, and made his way down the stairs to the front doors as quickly as possible. He squinted. Everything was so bright and white. However, that made it all the easier to see the black form that was Sirius.

“Padfoot!” He started to wade his way through the snow, kicking it out of the way. “Pads!”

Sirius turned, and started to walk towards Remus. “Moony?”

Remus stopped when he was a few feet away from Sirius. “I…I’m sorry for being cranky. Things are hard, and that’s not an excuse, but I’m saying it anyways.”

Sirius smiled. “It’s fine, Remus.”

Remus looked at Sirius. Was what Alice had said true? Did she actually catch them kissing? What did it mean? Should he bring it up? He decided he was confused enough to do anything for answers, and cleared his throat. “Uh, Padfoot, a girl named Alice said something interesting today…”

He frowned. “Oh. What was it?”

Remus shifted. “Uh…did we ever, in the past, I mean, before the accident, just so happen to kiss?”

Sirius looked at him for a long moment, before clearing his throat. “Well, yes, a couple of times. Mistletoe, and…and celebrations of things.”

“What about in, say, the Charms corridor?”

Sirius’s eyebrows shot up. “Um…no, no I don’t think I recall that.”

“Oh.” Remus couldn’t think of what else to say. “Um. Well. Right. Sorry for bringing it up, then. I’m just going to go back inside, now, and go back to bed for a while.”

“Oh. Okay. I’ll see you later, Remus.”

Remus just nodded, before turning and heading back into the castle a whole lot more confused than he had been before.

~

“Hogsmeade!”

Remus had his covers whipped off of him, and shivered, curling into a ball. “Go awaaaaayyyy…”

“The Hogsmeade trip, Moony! C’mon, you have to go and get Lily a present!”

“Can’t I just send you?”

“Of course not,” Sirius sniffed. “Who would I hang out with? C’mon, get dressed! Oh! I’ll pick out your clothes! This jumper would look nice, and if you wear your trousers with it then you can wear your black snow boots. Done! Get uuuuuuuup.”

Remus sighed, dragging himself into a sitting position. He looked at Sirius, his head falling over sort of sideways.

“What time is it?”

“Eight o’clock! Get up and get showered! I even saved all the hot water for you.”

“When exactly do we leave for Hogsmeade?”

“Ten!”

Remus lay back down, and Sirius sighed. “C’mon! You’ll need to get breakfast. And stuff!”

Remus whined. “I don’t wanna…”

Sirius sighed, and grabbed the other boy’s arm. “C’mon. Up you get. Don’t make me help you into the shower. I really don’t want to.”

“I’m going.” Remus grabbed the clothes that Sirius had thrown onto his bed, and headed in the direction of the bathroom, prepared to fall asleep in the shower.

When he emerged several minutes later, Sirius was rolling around on the floor, seeming rather bored. Remus stared at him. “What the hell are you doing.”

“You’re out!” Sirius leapt up, grabbing Remus and directing him down the stairs. “Great! To breakfast!”

Remus was able to make it down to the Great Hall, and he made it through breakfast, but by the time Sirius was dragging him out of the castle he wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it through the day. Sirius might as well have been skipping down the lane, dragging Remus behind him.

“Can’t we go slower?” Remus complained. “We have all day.”

“But we have to go to Honeyduke’s, and Zonko’s, and the Three Broomsticks, and-”

Remus groaned. It all sounded exhausting. Sirius smiled at him. “It’ll be great! Like it’s your first trip to Hogsmeade!”

Remus just made a face. “Okay…I’ll try not to complain all day long.”

“Yes!” They were entering the village now, and Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand, pulling him towards a colorful building with a large sign reading ‘Zonko’s’. He stared at it while Sirius talked.

“Zonko’s is great. They have the best pranking stuff. This is where we get all of our dungbombs and stuff. James told me to pick up more of those, but you can just look around if you want.”

Sirius pushed the door open, and Remus stepped in, looking around. It was definitely very colorful, and they seemed to be the oldest students in there. Most of them were third years, with the occasional fourth year, but they were the only fifth years Remus could see. He looked around at all of the gadgets. He didn’t understand them, and found them only mildly interesting, but still liked it more than being outside. He was looking at something called a Boil Brewer when Sirius came up with a bag.

“Alright there, Moony?” he asked, grinning at him. He glanced at the Boil Brewers, and smirked, picking one up. “Aw, you don’t want this.”

“And why not?”

Sirius smiled, tapping Remus’s nose. “Because it’ll ruin your pretty face.”

Remus blushed vibrantly, and Sirius put the Boil Brewer back. “Anyways, come on. Honeyduke’s next! Oh, you’ll like this one…”

Remus did like Honeyduke’s. He liked Honeyduke’s very much. He didn’t want to leave Honeyduke’s. He just stood and stared at the wall of chocolate. An entire wall. Full of chocolates. The chocolates James had gotten him earlier had been good. But he suddenly had the wish to try each and every single different flavor of Honeyduke’s chocolate. Twelve times.

Sirius laughed, dragging Remus away. “Don’t worry, I got you plenty of chocolate for Christmas. _Plenty_.”

“Sirius, caramel. I remember caramel. I remember the taste…chocolate caramel…oh…” He sniffed, tears in his eyes as Sirius dragged him out of the shop and the chocolate’s left his view. But he really could remember caramel chocolate. It was…caramel chocolate, and…warmth. Something warm…

Warm lips. Against his.

_Sirius’s lips working against his in a dark-ish hallway, ragged breathing, one hand pressed palm-to-palm with his, another at the back of his neck. Warm breath over his face as Sirius pulled back just enough for Remus to look, startled, into his eyes, for Sirius to whisper one word._

_“Remus…”_

“Remus!”

He jumped, nearly crying out in alarm as he hunched over defensively, turning to Sirius. “What?”

Sirius looked at him in concern as he tried to catch his breath, winded form the reliving of that memory. He didn’t feel particularly okay. He cleared his throat.

“Remus, are you alright?”

“I…I just remembered something.”

Sirius stepped a bit closer, curious. “What is it?”

Remus opened his mouth and closed it again several times, trying to think. Nope nope he wasn’t going to do it.

“Uh, I don’t entirely know yet. Just.” He made a face, shrugging. “Caramel chocolate.”

Sirius looked as if caramel chocolate meant something to him as well, and stared at Remus for a moment. “Oh.”

Remus forced a smile. “Yep! Oh indeed! Ha ha!”

Sirius was just staring at him, and Remus looked around.

“I need to get Lily a skirt.”

“Right. Yeah, um, if we go just over here…”

Remus followed Sirius gladly, but glanced at Honeyduke’s. He reached into his pocket, fingering the few galleons he had. He would definitely be returning to Honeyduke’s before the trip was over. He needed some caramel chocolate.


	7. Chapter Seven

_“And now, lads, it is time to celebrate!”_

_James and Peter cheered, and Remus just smiled, feeling tears in his eyes again. He blinked them back._

_“I can’t believe you guys did this,” he said, his voice cracking a bit. He bit his lip. “Thank you, so much-“_

_“Remus, Remus, Remus,” Sirius sighed, shaking his head. “We don’t want your thanks. Only your safety and happiness. Besides! It was great fun!”_

_“Character-building,” Peter added with a grin._

_“And so!” Sirius continued, holding up his small glass of firewhiskey. “A toast! To our great success! To us as a general whole! To me, and my great beauty.”_

_James rolled his eyes. “Oh, get on with it.”_

_“I am. Anyways, to me, and to us, and to whichever brilliant wizard came up with the idea of the Animagus. Cheers!”_

_“Cheers!” the other three echoed, and the four downed the firewhiskey. Remus coughed, feeling the sharp bite tingle all the way down his throat. He knew the alcohol wouldn’t affect him for long, which he was glad for. Someone needed to be reasonable._

_Sirius grinned. “And now celebratory embraces.” He turned on his bedroom eyes as he gazed at James. “Jamie dearest?”_

_“Oh, Sirius!” James and Sirius threw their arms around each other, and Remus and Peter laughed as Sirius swooned, before James scooped Remus up into a tight hug. Remus hugged him back. “Thank you, James. You all worked so hard, but I know you worked the hardest.”_

_James laughed. “No problem, Remus. Look at you! No scars or anything from this month!” He grinned ruffling Remus’s hair, before turning to Peter._

_Sirius smiled as he skipped over to Remus. “The man of honor!” He wrapped his arms around Remus, lifting him up and spinning him around. Remus laughed._

_“Sirius!”_

_Sirius grinned, then put an arm around Remus’s shoulder. “I think that our Remus here deserves something special.”_

_“Why? I haven’t done anything.”_

_“Nonsense! You helped us a lot throughout the process. Plus, without you, we wouldn’t have started. And how cool is it that we can become animals?”_

_“Here here!” James replied._

_“So tell me, Jamie,” Sirius said, putting his cheek on top of Remus’s head. “What do you think we should give him?”_

_“I’m not giving him anything,” Peter said warily, dashing to hide behind his bed. Sirius stuck his tongue out at him._

_“Hmm,” James contemplated. “Well, I think personally that he deserves one kiss form a certain Mr. Black.”_

_“James!” Sirius put on an affronted expression. “How dare you suggest we let my brother anywhere near Remus!”_

_Remus laughed, and Peter smiled form his hiding place as James rolled his eyes. “You, you big idiot.”_

_Remus felt his insides squirm. “Aw, now why does Sirius have to do it?”_

_“Remus!” Sirius exclaimed in mock-offense._

_“Because,” James explained, “Peter is too conservative and I’m saving my first kiss for Lily Evans. Besides, Sirius always attacks you under the mistletoe and at any possible moment ever. You guys have kissed before, no biggie.”_

_Remus still felt all squirmy, but Sirius grinned lecherously, cocking one eyebrow. “Yes. I get to kiss Remus.”_

_James sat down on his bed, pulling out some new love letter for Lily that he hadn’t gotten around to finishing. “Get it over with then,” he said, glancing up._

_Sirius smirked, turning to a vibrantly blushing Remus. “Congratulations on your lycanthropy,” he whispered teasingly, before leaning in and pressing their lips together._

_Peter cheered mildly from his corner, doodling something in his journal, and James twirled one finger above his head, continuing his contemplation of Lily’s beauty or some rubbish. Sirius pressed his lips against Remus’s just a bit more, encouraging Remus to kiss him tentatively back. He pulled away slowly, and smiled at Remus._

_“Alright, Remie?”_

_Remus just nodded silently, and Sirius patted his shoulder. “Alright! C’mon lads, the festivities aren’t over yet…”_

~

Remus sat up in bed, startled. His breathing was quick and uneven, and he put a hand over his mouth, trying to even it out. He sighed once he had calmed a bit, sitting back and rubbing his face with his hands. “Oh, God…” He really needed to stop remembering these things without warning.

He sighed, uncovering his face and staring at the ceiling. It was still dark outside, probably only one or two o’clock in the morning. He didn’t even bother trying to go back to sleep right away, knowing his brain wouldn’t allow it. He just sighed, and closed his eyes, going through his one and a half happy memories.

Hold it. Those memories weren’t the same. He opened his eyes again, frowning. Well, they were the same in certain aspects. Such as kissing and it being mutual, not some mistletoe attack. But they weren’t the same incident. It left Remus to ponder exactly how many times Sirius had kissed him like that, and unsure as to whether or not he wanted to know the answer.

He sat up again, and peered thoughtfully through the darkness at Sirius’s curtains. He had a feeling that there were things Sirius wasn’t telling him. Only he didn’t know what or why. Obviously they had had encounters like such more often than Sirius was willing to admit. But why was he so hesitant?

Then it hit Remus. The reason Sirius wasn’t telling Remus about them was because he was ashamed of them. He wanted Remus to remain without his memories of those times. He regretted them.

And that was pain. Straight from Sirius’s bed across the dorm, through the curtains and directly to his heart. Remus caught his breath, his hand fisting in his pyjamas over his heart. Oh, ow. He understood, now, those expressions on James’s face every time Lily turned away. Those sad looks McGonagall got every now and then. Dumbledore’s wistful smiles.

Wait. Those last two.

_McGonagall-_

No. No no no. Remus covered his ears, whimpering a bit to himself.

_McGonagall sitting across the desk-_

Stop! “I don’t want to remember!” Remus cried, feeling tears stinging his eyes. But now he couldn’t stop it, and the memory flooded forward.

_McGonagall sitting across the desk, working on papers, Remus sitting and helping sort through detentions. Prefect duty. Only made worse by a certain Sirius Black and his spells._

_“Remie dearest!” yet another detention yelled, Sirius’s name dancing around the page. Remus continued to scowl, sorting it into the correct box and moving onto the next one. Thankfully, James and Peter hadn’t followed his example. Unfortunately, Sirius had the most detentions._

_“Remie dearest!”_

_“Mr. Lupin,” McGonagall sighed, looking up. “Is there no way for you to disable this charm?”_

_“I’ve tried,” he growled._

_“Remie dearest!”_

_She sighed, shaking her head. “Please tell Mr. Black that he will have to find another way to show his affection for you.”_

_Remus blushed. “I’m not sure Sirius has affection for me, Professor. I think he does it to bother me.”_

_“Most common form of affection.”_

_Remus didn’t respond. He continued sorting detentions._

_“Remie dearest!”_

_“Fuck you,” he muttered under his breath._

_“Mr. Lupin!”_

_“Sorry, Professor.”_

_“Remie dearest!”_

_McGonagall smiled a little. Then laughed. “Oh, I remember when Dougal sent me flowers every day…my parents were so upset.”_

_“Professor, this isn’t the same.”_

_“Daisies, roses, wildflowers…”_

_“Professor, really.”_

_“My father was very skeptical.”_

_“Oh.”_

_She sighed wistfully, looking sadly down at her desk. She bit her lip. “I…I think that’s enough for today, Mr. Lupin.”_

_“Remie dearest!”_

_Remus just stared at her. “Professor-“_

_“Really, it’s getting late. You should go back to your dorm.”_

_He nodded, slowly standing. He put the remaining detentions haphazardly in their box, and headed for the door._

_“Mr. Lupin!”_

_He stopped, turning. “Yes?”_

_She smiled at him sadly. “Cherish Mr. Black. For whatever he may be…cherish him.”_

_Remus bit his lip, nodding. “Of course, Professor. Always.”_

Remus opened his eyes, gasping for breath. He could feel the tears down his cheeks, and whimpered, pulling the covers up to cover his face. “Oh, God. Please, no more tonight, I really can’t handle it.”

He waited, but no more memories came flashing up. He sighed, leaning back against his pillows. He was sure he wasn’t going to get any sleep. It was going to be a long night.

~

“Remie dearest!”

“God, no,” Remus moaned, covering his face with his hands. Sirius skipped over, sitting across from him.

“Alright there, Moony?”

“Fine,” he sighed. He uncovered his face, going back to his work. “Absolutely fine.”

“What did you do with that caramel chocolate you got in Hogsmeade? I haven’t seen you eating it yet.”

Remus bit his lip. He had planned to use the caramel chocolate to help him recover that memory. Of him and Sirius kissing in what he suspected to be the Charms corridor. However, he really wasn’t sure if he was ready yet.

“Haven’t gotten around to it,” he finally replied, continuing to copy Lily’s Transfiguration notes from earlier in the year. Both as busywork and in case he didn’t recover his memory before the O.W.L.’s.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Haven’t gotten around to it? You love caramel chocolate. I daresay it’s in your top five favorite chocolates.”

“Well, I haven’t gotten around to it.”

Sirius just stared at him for a while, watching him write.

“I like caramel chocolate,” he said softly, smiling a bit. “It…brings up memories. Good ones. Hopefully, it’ll do the same for you.”

Remus didn’t respond, just writing and rolling Sirius’s words around in his head. He suddenly had the urge to run upstairs and devour all of that chocolate and then sit and close his eyes and replay that one bit of that one memory over and over again.

“I’ll see you later.”

Remus nodded, and waited until Sirius was safely out the portrait hole before gathering his things haphazardly and rushing up the stairs to his dorm. He dropped his things near his schoolbag, then opened the ‘secret’ compartment in his trunk, pulling out the two bars of caramel chocolate. There was also a bar of honey and almond, which he had gotten simply because it sounded delicious.

He left that there, and sat carefully in the center of his bed, laying his chocolates in front of him. He looked between them for a moment, then picked up the one on the left. Then put it down and picked up the one on the right. He opened it carefully, and broke off one square. He put it in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. He ate another square. And another.

God, how could you forget a taste like that?

He closed his eyes, savoring the taste. Now if he could just get a grip on that memory…Sirius touching him, kissing him…

_“Sirius…”_

_Sirius stepped forward, taking one of Remus’s hands and putting his own free hand at the back of the other’s neck. He pressed his lips to Remus’s, causing Remus to freeze up. He stayed frozen for a moment, until Sirius pulled back a little, allowing Remus to look into his eyes, shocked._

_“Remus…” He kissed him again, shortly. “React, please.”_

_He took a step, and Remus’s breathing kicked it up another notch as they moved backward so Remus was pressed against the wall. He looked at Sirius is shock._

_“S-S-S…”_

_“Breathe.”_

_“I-I’m trying-g…” He raised his free hand to his mouth, trying to even out his breathing. Eventually, he gave up, having realized that it was because he was on the verge of tears._

_“Remus, are you alright?”_

_He nodded. “P-perfect, I’m f-f-fine, I-”_

_Sirius put his mouth back against Remus’s-_

“Remus?”

Remus groaned, looking up. “What?”

Sirius frowned. “Are you alright?”

Remus tried to catch his breath, rubbing his eyes. “No…would you please stop interrupting this memory, though, it’s getting to the good part…”

“You’re remembering something?” Sirius looked pleased, stepping forward, until he saw the chocolate. His eyes darted to Remus’s. “Uh, what kind of memory?”

Remus shook his head. “Go away and I’ll tell you later.”

“Remus…”

“It’s not done,” he moaned, dropping his head into his hands.

“Well, continue, then.” Sirius sat down on his bed. “I’ll just…wait.”

Remus didn’t really feel comfortable with Sirius watching him, but turned back to the chocolate anyways. Just tune him out. He took another bite, and was just about to go in for another when it hit him again.

_Sirius put his lips back to Remus’s, and Remus shakily put his free hand at Sirius’s waist, kissing him back. Sirius seemed to lose most of his tension, relaxing, and Remus relaxed a bit too._

_Several minutes passed before Remus thought he might suffocate. He pulled away, trying to breathe, both hands against Sirius’s chest, bracing him back._

_Sirius gripped Remus’s shoulders, attempting to breathe as well. “Alright there, Remus?”_

_Remus nodded. “Yeah. Fine.”_

_“Remus, I…”_

_“Remus? Sirius?!”_

_They both whipped around to see Alice standing at the end of the hall, smiling a little._

_“Alice…”_

_“I…”_

_“We…”_

_She smirked, clapping. “Wait until Lily hears this!”_

_“Wait!”_

_She shook her head, still smirking, and turned away. Sirius took a step away, then glanced at Remus. “I…”_

_Remus nodded. “Yes, er…go.”_

_Sirius ran off, and Remus sighed. There he went. Off to defend his reputation. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. Why did he do that? Why did he let Sirius kiss him like that? He hadn’t meant it. He knew he didn’t._

_Why else would he run off like that?_

He opened his eyes, straightening up. He caught Sirius’s eye, and glared.

“You.”

“What?”

“This…” He felt tears in his eyes, and bit his lip. “This is your fault, isn’t it?”

“What are you talking about?” It looked very much like Sirius knew what he was talking about. He stood, backing away a little.

“Sirius…” Remus stood, stalking towards him. “I _knew_ it!”

“What?! You knew _what_?!”

“You…” He closed his eyes, shoulders sagging. “You were ashamed. You regretted it.”

“ _What_?” Sirius very nearly looked offended. “Remus, I would-”

“Stop, please, stop.” Remus ran his hands through his hair. “Sirius, I can’t take it right now…”

He walked past Sirius, headed down the stairs. “Remus! _Remus_!”

“Sirius, just…give me some time, okay?”

He stomped down to the Common Room. There was Alice, looking up, startled. Her fault, too. He marched over to Lily.

“Lily…”

She looked up. “Oh, Remus…”

She grabbed him by the arm, led him out the portrait hole and into the nearest empty classroom, and let Remus cry against her shoulder.


	8. Eight

Christmas day, 1975. Remus paced around the dorm, holding the jumper and the letter that was with it against his chest. Where was Sirius? He couldn’t meander around the castle forever. He’d come back eventually. And then Remus would decide whether or not he felt like giving Sirius the letter.

He walked over to the door, listening for any sign of Sirius being down in the Common Room. He fell back with a sigh.

Obviously he had at one point wanted to give this letter to Sirius. Something had happened between the ordeal in the Charms corridor and the incident when he had lost his memory that had made him want to let Sirius know exactly how he felt. He felt like he should respect his own wishes, foolish or otherwise, and just give the damned thing to Sirius so it was off his chest already.

He heard a voice on the stairs, and froze, but it continued past their dorm. He relaxed again.

Who knew? Maybe Sirius would accept the intentions of the letter and everything would be explained and they would live happily ever after. They could raise chickens or open a bakery or something. Adopt a baby. Raise it kindly. Hopefully it would have magic. Then they could send it off to Hogwarts and Remus could cry about missing it and Sirius could comfort him and there could be lots of cute, fluffy cuddling going on. And then they would grow old, and Remus could watch Sirius turn from boy to man to elder but be somehow exactly the same as always.

He sighed, looking down at the letter. Yeah right.

“Remus?”

Remus jumped about twenty feet, yelping as he turned to look at Sirius. He didn’t look so well, like he hadn’t been sleeping and like he’d been trying to pull his hair out for the past several days. Remus felt a surge of guilt as he looked Sirius over. That was his fault.

“It’s, er, been a while,” Sirius said awkwardly.

Remus nodded. “Yeah. I’ve been, er, in the library.”

“All this time?”

Remus grimaced. “Well…Madame Pince took pity on me…”

“Oh.” Sirius nodded. “Yeah, the women tend to do that. For you. Take pity.”

Remus nodded, and looked down at the present he held against his chest. “Um…” He looked up, holding it out to Sirius. “I…I made this, apparently. For you. And, this letter…me before the accident wanted you to know these things, and I guess I do too.” He held it more towards Sirius. “Take it, please. You know, happy Christmas and all.”

Sirius took it with shaking hands. “Um…thanks.”

Remus nodded. “Um…you’ll want to be alone, so I’ll just…”

He slipped around Sirius and out of the dorm, going quickly and carefully down the stairs. He walked over to behind the couch Lily was sitting on, tapping her on the shoulder. She turned around, and he just nodded at her.

“So I’ll be in the library,” he said, before pushing off and heading quickly out the portrait hole. He directed himself towards the library, and sighed. Now, just to wait.

~

He was sitting in his spot behind the history section, hands folded on the table, gnawing lightly at the skin on the back of his right hand when he heard someone approaching. He didn’t look up, but didn’t have to, because they sat in the chair directly in front of his line of sight.

He looked up, and couldn’t help but smile a bit. “You like it, then?”

“Yeah.” Sirius ran his hands over the soft red fabric fondly. “I really like it. And you made it for me, which must have taken time. Thanks.” He smiled up at Remus.

Remus smiled back, but it quickly fell away. “And, um, the other part?”

One second Sirius was sitting on front of him with both eyebrows raised incredulously, and the next he had stood up, pulling Remus out of his seat and kissing him fiercely. Remus reacted immediately, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s neck and moving his lips against Sirius’s. And that was when a flow of memories overtook him.

_Sirius on the train, first year._

_Sirius bugging him in Potions._

_Sirius bugging him in Charms._

_Sirius bugging him always._

_Sirius sneaking into his bed for comfort the night after he received a howler from home._

_Sirius at Christmas._

_Valentine’s Day._

_Easter._

_Every year._

_Sirius hugging him when he found out about his lycanthropy._

_Sirius smiling as he said ‘furry little problem.’_

_Sirius smiling._

_Laughing._

_Arguing._

_Fighting._

_Snarking._

_Caring._

_Sirius holding his hand, loose, tight, intimately, jokingly, conscious and unconscious._

_Sirius kissing him intently, sloppily, under the mistletoe, in the Charms corridor, in the dorm, in the passage behind the tapestry, holding onto him, whispering his name._

_Sirius meant it. Of course he did. Why did Remus bother to question, ever?_

_Oh. He was hoping he didn’t mean it._

_After the full moon, last month, Remus’s parents had shown up as a surprise to see how he was doing. Madame Pomfrey had left them, and they were shocked to see no scars or anything. They asked what it was, and Remus, trying to protect his friends, explained it away as love, sheepishly coming out to his parents._

_Only to receive mixed opinions._

_“Remus,” Mrs. Lupin had sighed, seeming absolutely thrilled. She would have given him a hug if Mr. Lupin hadn’t jumped in._

_“Unacceptable!”_

_Remus flinched away from his father, taking a few steps back. “F-Father, I-”_

_“No son of mine will be known under that name!” His eyes flashed. “No son of mine!”_

_Remus soon found himself against a wall, his father walking forward. “No. You are not gay. You are a confused teenager. That is all! Do you hear me, boy?”_

_Remus was shaking too bad to answer, and Mrs. Lupin came up behind her husband. “John, please,” she begged. “Please, we need to talk about this-”_

_“You stay out of it! It was you, you and your coddling of him, turned him into a faggot!”_

_“John, you watch your language!”_

_He raised a hand, and Remus panicked._

_“No! Stop, please, stop it, Father, I…I didn’t mean to disappoint you.” He could feel the tear in his eyes, but forced them to stay there, not allowing them to squeeze their way out. “Please, it wasn’t her fault. Father-”_

_“Don’t you call me ‘father’!” He stepped in close to Remus. “My son is not gay. You are not my son.”_

_He quickly exited the room, and Mrs. Lupin looked after him. “John!” She looked at Remus, and went over, giving him a swift hug. “You’re not a disappointment,” she told him firmly. “You could never disappoint me.”_

_Sirius holding a shaking Remus who refused to tell him what was wrong._

_Remus telling Sirius he needed some time._

_Sirius, thinking no one was in the dorm, crying._

_Sirius crying._

_Sirius confused._

_Sirius pressed against a wall with Emmiline Vance on front of him. Remus backing slowly down the corridor, turning the corner and dashing into a nearby boys’ bathroom to vomit. Tears down his cheeks, breathing uneven, with his forehead pressed against the porcelain of a toilet and the whir of the plumbing in his ears. He stood, heading towards the sink, and Sirius stumbled in, wiping his face and looking pale. They locked eyes. Sirius saw that Remus saw._

_“Remus-”_

_“Fuck you,” Remus muttered. Anger was easier than sadness. However, he knew that Sirius saw the sadness. He turned quickly to wash out his mouth and maybe his eyes or his entire brain, maybe just forget everything about Sirius because fuck it was all too hard. He refused to believe that it was better to have loved and lost. He wished he’d never loved at all. His father would love him, then. His heart would be in one solid piece. He could be kissing some girl and Sirius could be kissing some girl because who gave a fuck as long as they were straight and not obsessing over each other. He was SO done._

_“Remus, please.” Remus refused to acknowledge the piece of himself he heard in that plea. “Let me explain, it’s not-”_

_“Not what?” Remus turned to scowl at him. “Not a big deal? Not like you’re together? Not like we’re together? Not like-”_

_He cut himself off, but they both heard the ‘I mean anything to you’ reverberating around the bathroom. Sirius tried to catch his breath and explain. “Remus, please-”_

_“Not now,” he begged, running his fingers through his hair and closing his eyes. “Please, just…give me some time, I just…I have to go, I need…”_

_“Time?”_

_Remus shook his head, leaving the bathroom._

_Remus, crying._

_Sirius, crying._

Remus pulled back for air. “Oh my god,” he sobbed, looking up at Sirius. “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry-”

“I would never be ashamed,” Sirius told him firmly, tears down his cheeks as well. “I would never regret anything-”

“I know, oh god, I know. It was so many things, I just…I couldn’t do it-”

“You wouldn’t tell me what was going on, I was so confused, and when I went to Emmiline, she just…jumped on me, and-”

“I’m sorry, I was so stupid, and stubborn, and afraid…”

“You don’t have to be afraid.” Sirius kissed him again. “Not ever, not while I’m here, I…I want to know what’s going on.”

“Sirius…” Remus kissed him again, before pulling back. “I think we can go back to the dorm now before Madame Pince comes nosing over here to see what’s happening.”

Sirius nodded. “Right.” He wiped the tears off of Remus’s cheeks, and smiled. “Oh, and Remus?”

“Yes?”

“It’s good to have you back.”

_~Fin_


End file.
